it’s been a long week and a while since the last time I wrote. 2 months, I think. a lot has happened since then. ups and downs of immense proportions. denial, acceptance, cautious forward, wisdom, finding peace in the work every day, knowing when I must sprint and when I must jog.
reading Elizabeth holmes’ story today really sent me this message: do not go too fast, even when everything around you that is external seems to be letting you have your way. only do something when you are ready, and with the right foundations, or the consequences will haunt you one day. never ever build lies upon lies because they will come back to bite you. I saw the power of delusion to power someone and the people around them. and I saw similarities between this phenomenon and the cult or guru phenomenon I have been obsessed with recently. people give you want you want and your ego gets bloated and there’s no one to keep you in check, you go out of control. in some ways, kay was right. yet in some ways, she was also a conduit of that authoritarian mindset I read about today. when someone raises doubts and an actual question or argument, you do an ad hominem attack or you try to encompass it in some bigger problem, instead of actually addressing the real issue. and you reduce the doubter’s self-trust. in some ways, this is basic debating (or sophistry, depending on your perspective) 101, but coupled with an imbalance of power it becomes a tool for manipulation. you create and perpetuate the conditions for mental and spiritual surrender this way.
also I ate too much chocolate and raisins today. remind me why I do this every time? why do I feel the urge to eat so much? just writing this, I observed the feeling of satiety change into an appetite for more, a salivation in the mouth. interesting.
from an objective standpoint, today hasn’t been that ‘productive’, but I spent a lot of time in active reflection and awareness of my self and the thoughts produced in my mind. and thinking about the future, and how I want to proceed with my future. from this perspective, it has been completely satisfying. I have strengthened my joy in the moment of work and thought and learning, while observing that inner critic that wants to just hate on my self, to impose some ‘discipline’, I have resolved to always do the best work that I can, to seek feedback when necessary, but not to overdo it and to lose my voice. I have remembered who I love and who I want to be with but I have objectively seen that it may or may not happen at all, and that is fine. I have observed my body and the sensations in my body. I am so grateful for this time of reflection, of reconciliation to the self and the world, of carving out my own path no matter what, of learning to love again – myself, and others, of just awareness. finally realizing what it means not to cling again, to good or bad. knowing that all things that I love and that I want will come in their own time, not due to some ‘god’ or some ‘secret force’, but just due to the nature of the universe and the Way things work, or to quote the dao.
there is still a lot of work more to do, 1) on my biology — making sure the menstrual hormones don’t affect my mood swings or my productivity, trying to isolate those depressing feelings from my biology, now that my period is at its end my mood is high, but was my bad mood weeks ago mostly due to those darned hormones? when will I stop secretly wishing to be a man and accept my body? 2) on psychology — watching my thoughts and ego-identification in the moment and moving from it with skill, trying out different reactions and responses. being more clear on myself for what I want and not letting my unconscious self-destruct me. for example, the thought to be a ‘good person’, or that there is ‘some’ benefit — nebulous in nature — from doing something I do not really want to do. of course there may be some benefit but you cannot use it for self-delusion, that’s the skill. this will only bite you in the end. (i.e. creating your own negative karma) 3) on love — working on practicing the bramavihara. 4) continue to ensure my long term financial stability of my plans, as well as residency here. but to not be obsessed with money as I was, because that is only counterproductive. money is a tool, not an end-goal. work on how to arrange my finances as part of designing my environment, not on amassing funds for the sake of a nebulous sense of ‘security’.
I feel very blessed, very lucky, to enjoy this solitude.
I miss j v much. sometimes I am so aware of the childishness, the perhaps almost delusional nature of my affections. I saw how, over the last two years, my feelings towards him have evolved and matured. it hasn’t been a straight line here, admittedly. furthermore, he hasn’t been the kindest to me at the end. hence, why my feelings may be ‘delusional’. he is still resentful, I think. and I have honestly been putting myself out there more than he has. but I saw his deep capacity to love. I saw my preoccupation with my other problems at that time blinded me to his love and caused him to feel deeply unloved and uncherished by me. but I also felt hurt by him. I loved him and he could not see it. he loved me and I could not see it too. and so I am wary of a blind belief that ‘it will all turn out well’, that we will have our happy ending. I see the future for us will have many turning points for mutual growth, if we both choose this path. we have a bad communication model right now and it will only change when we both become fully and truly ourselves with each other and can respect the other no matter what. notice I didn’t say ‘love’. god knows what ‘no matter what’ ‘love’ in this context means. I love him ‘no matter what’, like I love a stranger. that doesn’t mean allowing myself to be mistreated ‘no matter what’. but I also just love him for being him. I think, I used to love because of what I got back, that feeling of being loved, and security, and affection. that’s a very tenuous love. it is reminiscent of this craving to give your power up to a guru, to revert to that infantile state of being the center of the world, to have your needs met without trying. now I am learning to love out of my own strength and power, out of that hidden place that all of us human beings have but rarely consciously cultivate. this is a love borne out of security, self-trust, and self-love.
this is a love that is also teaching me how I can relate to others, like my parents, and people who are useless to my purposes.
coming to accept myself and my judgments, not trying to prove myself to be wrong, not trying to prove myself to be right, (these are the trappings of the ego) just acting on my judgments and then seeing if they work out to be a livable and effective map of reality. accepting my ego exists, not trying to get rid of it, not trying to strengthen it. this is the way of god, the way of nature, the way of the universe, the way itself (dao). how I wish I could spend each day of my life in service of the dao. to love, to live, to work without working, to achieve everything that I wish without striving (i.e. suffering), to enjoy the work, to achieve effortlessly through non-work. I was striving, pushing, striving, pressuring myself, relentlessly, struggling, all for nothing. everything will come on its time as I prepare. I am preparing for a harvest and I must till my land, but I must not imagine the crop arrives as I say so.
till it is time, I must protect my self, my energy, my solitude, my mind. I must cultivate my strength and my philosophy. more practically, I must cultivate my skills and my reputation, my brand, my knowledge. until the time is come to pick the ripe harvest at its peak, I must stay my hand: watch my ego, cultivate skill, learn from others’ experiences, protect my risk, protect my reputation, love the self, love the world, love others. accept myself fully and completely and achieve my goals in line with how I love myself and how I accept everything about me – neither ‘good’ nor ‘bad’, which are just labels to adaptations or maladaptations to an environment. cultivating love and openness and transparency, not closed systems, which ultimately lead to alienation, evil, and hatred.