today came close to a perfect day. the truly perfect day will come when I am living in a place I own and not having to report to anyone and having complete and utter freedom, taking care of myself, taking care of the things that are important to me for the world, taking care of someone I love and being loved dearly.
but today. wearing earplugs and my Bose headphones, as well as not having to evacuate for cleaners, and not having to talk to anyone, and having money coming in again, and being active and meditating and pilates every morning again … has made me happy again. I want this state to last for ever. I want to wake up every day with my ton of money in the bank and knowing that I can do anything that I wanted to.
today I saw some Singaporeans touring here. ‘the beef was very well-done’, one of them said, walking out of the Chinese restaurant. felt a strange distance to them after talking to them. they are the typical caricature of the Singaporean tourist. got lots of money but no drive, no culture, nothing. I guess I had to meet them to realize that I am really just done with that country, even if it felt bad to not have their “social approval” for my life. I am no longer ‘Singaporean’. I am me. I am American, but not really American either. I just want to live in America and have my freedom. Singapore is a country full of losers and I am ashamed to even have an association with them. the bank I worked for – losers. the whole finance industry – losers. all my prior friends – losers.
what separates a winner from a loser: the determination to master one’s own fate. I have yet to meet someone who truly has that determination to change the world no matter what goes into their way. it’s not even a ‘determination’. I make it sound like it’s a choice. but it’s not a choice… it’s a deep yearning that one cannot ignore. have I truly met anyone like this in my life, who has the yearning and the compulsion to change the world and make a real impact? I don’t know. it feels like everyone just wants to get along and get by. I feel like my true heroes and my true companions are those in the books.
for the rest of my life, I want to be a winner, and I want to be with winners. passionate winners who are making a real impact. this I will never stop ceasing. this is my time in incubation. I need to cut off the losers from my life. I need to be with people I care about and want to succeed and love and be with for the rest of my life. I want to be strong always and to never give up on my dreams.
thinking back on the dream I had a couple days ago, where mijana told me – I’ve been studying you for years. you know what the problem with you is? you don’t have any goddamn confidence in yourself.
I made so many jumps in my life: from a normal primary school to an elite secondary school, to an elite junior college program, to the best business school in the world, to a job in America, a great great job where I was paid highly for my efforts and to learn — where I impressed everyone — and I left it, because I wanted more, I wanted more, and then now, to jumping onto programming and living an independent life and starting a company to change the world – not knowing any one in the process, wanting to be alone, wanting to do the deep work required to make an impact. while I was making these jumps I never ever even ‘believed’ in myself. I always felt like I was living a dream, somehow. even today, I feel like I’m living a dream. but I have to keep looking forward, never backward now.
my love for art history, art, photography, books, philosophy, psychology, pilates, meditation, will never, never cease, but I need to take the time for the next 3 months to make this dream that I have a reality, to prove to myself that I can do it.
my men keep getting better and better too. Jaimin will forever be the love of my life but I think I would meet someone objectively speaking better. subjectively it is another thing. I want to set him free, free as he can be, only because I love him and I want him to be happy and independent. and I’m happy for the time we had together. even as I am embarrassed by all my stupid messages at the end of everything. I don’t know. the more avoidant I was, the more he loved me, but that wasn’t the true me he loved. I want to be the person I want to be now. not the person I *am*, or *was*, but I want to be the person that I like in myself. I want to be my best self, the one who is open and nurturing and vulnerable at times. not the one who makes men fall in love with her by holding back. not the one who goes out with men she barely likes just to see what they are like. not the one who hangs out with loser men or loser women. I want to be with others just like me, I want to keep pushing my self and my social circle and my work and my ambition to its limits.
in 5 to 7 years I will retire comfortably as a multimillionaire. I woke up last night with the number: $150mln. that will be it. I was telling my parents about it in my dream. that is the amount that is under my control. I want to take time off to study the relationship between the mind and the body and more of my academic pursuits (both science, philosophy and writing), as well as take care of my health. I will live in the United States for all my life. I will never be defined by my mistakes. I will keep pushing, keep throwing at the hoops. I will always trust my intuition. I will always love wholeheartedly. I will always accept my sensitivity and my grace. I will always accept and use my talents for the good of humanity. I will never give up on this one short life. I will make the most of everything God has blessed me with. I will make people’s lives better. I will always take care of myself along the way. God, may you give me the strength to do what I want to do for this world.
other revelations I had:
losers have a hierarchy too. so some losers can be more losers than others. the lesser loser denies he is a loser by identifying others that are ‘real’ losers. how many ‘friends’ I’ve had over the years that were losers (TO ME), that I knew were losers, and yet, I rationalized the fact away.
I want to study the relationship between ‘free market’ principles and having to create / choose policy anyways. free market works in the long run; policy affects today. this can be applied in so many different domains:
- psychology (consciousness – you have the school of Syd Banks vs buddhist meditation or other forms of intervention),
- life plans – if you don’t plan and you remain flexible you’re probably going to be fine (i.e., have a job and not begging for money because you’d start applying for everything and eventually get something) but is that what you really wanted ? what is what you really want?
it’s just such an interesting dichotomy to explore, because very clearly we can see the benefits of both schools of thought. over-worrying or over-planning things is clearly bad. freedom and flexibility is clearly good. yet too much freedom and too much flexibility is also not good. can we emerge from this dichotomy with a greater understanding of every action we take in this lifetime on the different scales and facets of human action (individual, societal, economic, psychological, political, etc).
I’ve been thinking about this notion of an overarching aim that guides your actions. the overarching aim would be the ‘plan’ but the details would be left up to free will. in economics, we would term this free market economics but the government clearly is free marketing towards a stated aim i.e. having more innovation and research, in certain areas? yet I find it hard to think about how you would do this without defining certain aspects of the decisions…
in any case, I look back on all the tough decisions to jump that I’ve ever made in my life; I’m glad I pulled through, and I know I can do it again. this time, back to America next year. after I complete this beautiful app, my magnum opus for the world. never stop believing in myself. I hate coding sometimes, but it’s like financial modeling, but even better, because
1) it’s far more sophisticated and beautiful
2) they actually have standards and a culture around good code
3) coding is actually useful for humanity, I am making this beautiful software that will revolutionize the life of all these people all over the world.
I love writing; one day I will dictate (NOT WRITE!!!) a book. and maybe in my old age I will write with my own hand, for public consumption. but I want to focus the next 5-7 years on making something really really great for humanity.
on progress on the app, it has been slow, and I have to remind myself that such is the nature of creative work. what more, you are doing something in a completely new field. you have to tap your sources of energy now. never ever give up, keep going. I love myself no matter what!